This Just In: Monster of Mar-a-Lago

Reports this morning that the small Florida estate of Mar-a-Lago has been invaded by a large orange monster. Said bystanders, “he’s like Godzilla but more destructive.” Officials say the beast is impossible to communicate with. However, they believe his weakness to be his hands, which are, in the words of one bystander, “freakishly small.” Police warn that if you do see the beast roaming about, you should not attempt to disarm him yourself, as he is often seen wielding a golf club. One bystander who saw the beast in person noted that “it seems impossible for something with such small hands to grip anything, even a golf club, but he seems to have spent literally all his energy learning how.”

Officials stress that people should stay indoors with their curtains drawn, particularly if they are a minority, female, or disabled as these appear to be particular targets for the creature.

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