This Just In: Infestation in Palm Beach–termites? smallpox? politicians? It’s anyone’s guess.

Big scandal today in Palm Beach folks. It appears the town’s mayor has been quietly re-directing nearly 90% of all taxpayer dollars to what insiders are calling “sanitation efforts.”

Apparently, the town is suffering from an undisclosed “infestation”  centered in the estate known as “Mar-a-Lago.” One official, who spoke on condition he not be named, said “basically we’ve just been selling off the town’s assets to bulk buy bleach from Costco. Personally though,” he added, “I think it’s kind of a waste. I mean, we’re probably just going to have to burn the whole place eventually. That’s what you do after a plague, right?”

Another official was found on his hands and knees clutching what appeared to be a camera to his chest and muttering “at least it wasn’t a nude beach. Thank god we don’t have a nude beach. There are some things you just can’t unsee.” What he did see, readers, we cannot say.

But we can say this: even the people of Amity Island never seemed quite so desperate.

*Note to Readers: While we cannot disagree too strenuously with the sentiments of Mr. [redacted]. We remind our readers that it is the position of this publication that arson is never the answer. Unless, of course, you’re talking about birthday cakes, Jack-o-lanterns, or creme brûlée, in which case just a pinch of arson is sure to do the trick.

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