Spicey: The Improbable Rise of an Inadequate Man

Sean Michael Spicer was born at the North Shore Hospital in Manhasset, New York on September 23rd, 1971.  The air was cool and dry that day, much like Spicer’s personality. He was raised in Rhode Island (it’s not big enough to bother with exactly where. But if you really want to know, the answer is East Bay, wherever that is). His father was an insurance agent (which kind of makes sense, if you think about it), and his mother headed up the East Asian Studies Department at a local university (which makes exactly no sense, if you think about it).

Spicer spent high school at the Portsmouth Abbey School, a Rhode Island boarding school associated with the Roman Catholic faith. It was here that Spicer learned the all-important lessons that bullies often win, and that even if it only takes an hour to drive the entire length of your state, your parents can still send you to boarding school. Down the street. Apparently.  These lessons would shape the rest of then-young Sean’s life.

Sean’s career in elected office began and ended as a student senator at Connecticut College, from which he graduated in 1993 with a degree in government. Foreshadowing Sean’s future relations with the press, the student paper, the College Voice, was not kind to Spicer. Perhaps understandably, the paper referred to him as “Sean Sphincter” (this biographer does not actually know why. This biographer does not really need to know why. This biographer kind of knows why just by looking at him). In any case, Spicey got kind of upset, because, you know, sticks and stones will break his bones and words will also cut-him-deeply-and-make-him-file-compliants-against-your-paper-and-try-to-get-the-school-to-ban-it-which-will-only-make-the-public-roasting-worse. Another college paper, named Blats, promptly joined in.

At 41, Spicer obtained a masters degree from the Naval War College in national security and strategic studies. There are no known records of the school paper for that college ever calling him Sean Sphincter. Though if anyone has such records, please provide them to my publisher ASAP, I would really get a kick out of them.

After college, Spicer worked for a string of plump, white, congressmen, none of whom remain in office today.

Several short-term positions with congressional committees followed, after which Spicer joined George W Bush’s administration as an Assistant Easter Bunny (#Spiceyisafurry).

Fun fact: I didn’t entirely make that last part up. Sean Spicer actually wore the Easter bunny suit during the 2008 White House egg-roll. I can prove it. There are pictures. No amount of other prominent White House staffers having done the same can make this less funny.