Spicey: The Improbable Rise of an Inadequate Man

Sean Michael Spicer was born at the North Shore Hospital in Manhasset, New York on September 23rd, 1971.  The air was cool and dry that day, much like Spicer’s personality. He was raised in Rhode Island (it’s not big enough to bother with exactly where. But if you really want to know, the answer is East Bay, wherever that is). His father was an insurance agent (which kind of makes sense, if you think about it), and his mother headed up the East Asian Studies Department at a local university (which makes exactly no sense, if you think about it).

Spicer spent high school at the Portsmouth Abbey School, a Rhode Island boarding school associated with the Roman Catholic faith. It was here that Spicer learned the all-important lessons that bullies often win, and that even if it only takes an hour to drive the entire length of your state, your parents can still send you to boarding school. Down the street. Apparently.  These lessons would shape the rest of then-young Sean’s life.

Sean’s career in elected office began and ended as a student senator at Connecticut College, from which he graduated in 1993 with a degree in government. Foreshadowing Sean’s future relations with the press, the student paper, the College Voice, was not kind to Spicer. Perhaps understandably, the paper referred to him as “Sean Sphincter” (this biographer does not actually know why. This biographer does not really need to know why. This biographer kind of knows why just by looking at him). In any case, Spicey got kind of upset, because, you know, sticks and stones will break his bones and words will also cut-him-deeply-and-make-him-file-compliants-against-your-paper-and-try-to-get-the-school-to-ban-it-which-will-only-make-the-public-roasting-worse. Another college paper, named Blats, promptly joined in.

At 41, Spicer obtained a masters degree from the Naval War College in national security and strategic studies. There are no known records of the school paper for that college ever calling him Sean Sphincter. Though if anyone has such records, please provide them to my publisher ASAP, I would really get a kick out of them.

After college, Spicer worked for a string of plump, white, congressmen, none of whom remain in office today.

Several short-term positions with congressional committees followed, after which Spicer joined George W Bush’s administration as an Assistant Easter Bunny (#Spiceyisafurry).

Fun fact: I didn’t entirely make that last part up. Sean Spicer actually wore the Easter bunny suit during the 2008 White House egg-roll. I can prove it. There are pictures. No amount of other prominent White House staffers having done the same can make this less funny.

This Just In: Trump Hires First Minority Advisor

Breaking news today, folks–President Donald Trump has hired his first minority advisor, a recent immigrant known as “Kim Jong Un.”

Said Trump at a press briefing held this morning: “I think Kim’s great. Really great guy. Kind of a girly name. But otherwise, great. Very likeminded guy. Love the haircut. And our hands are the same size. See?”

Trump then proceeded to hold his hands up to Kim’s hands Tarzan-style, at which point he further commented. “Actually, mine are bigger. I’m bigger. Write that down. Why aren’t you writing that down?”

Several hours later, a Trump official caught Kim taking pictures of classified documents on his phone.

Trump appeared unfazed. “I’m very impressed with his work ethic. Hist first day and he’s already taking stuff to work on at home. It’s great, really really great. Great job Kim.”

Kim, somewhat flustered upon first discovery, began laughing in what many onlookers described as “a maniacal fashion.”

No word yet on whether any other minorities may be joining the Trump Administration, however, insiders say Trump has mentioned “a fellow by the name of Frederick” several times.

This Just In: Infestation in Palm Beach–termites? smallpox? politicians? It’s anyone’s guess.

Big scandal today in Palm Beach folks. It appears the town’s mayor has been quietly re-directing nearly 90% of all taxpayer dollars to what insiders are calling “sanitation efforts.”

Apparently, the town is suffering from an undisclosed “infestation”  centered in the estate known as “Mar-a-Lago.” One official, who spoke on condition he not be named, said “basically we’ve just been selling off the town’s assets to bulk buy bleach from Costco. Personally though,” he added, “I think it’s kind of a waste. I mean, we’re probably just going to have to burn the whole place eventually. That’s what you do after a plague, right?”

Another official was found on his hands and knees clutching what appeared to be a camera to his chest and muttering “at least it wasn’t a nude beach. Thank god we don’t have a nude beach. There are some things you just can’t unsee.” What he did see, readers, we cannot say.

But we can say this: even the people of Amity Island never seemed quite so desperate.

*Note to Readers: While we cannot disagree too strenuously with the sentiments of Mr. [redacted]. We remind our readers that it is the position of this publication that arson is never the answer. Unless, of course, you’re talking about birthday cakes, Jack-o-lanterns, or creme brûlée, in which case just a pinch of arson is sure to do the trick.

This Just In: Border Patrol

Canadian border officials have confirmed receipt of several amnesty applications over the past three months from a Slovenian born naturalized US citizen listing her occupation as “First Lady.” They say the woman is obviously confused and likely in need of serious help, though one source noted that “her pictures do bear a striking resemblance to those of a well-known New Yorker, it’s uncanny really.” Officials refuse to release the woman’s name, citing privacy laws, but note that “it does rhyme with Flewania.”

This Just In: Monster of Mar-a-Lago

Reports this morning that the small Florida estate of Mar-a-Lago has been invaded by a large orange monster. Said bystanders, “he’s like Godzilla but more destructive.” Officials say the beast is impossible to communicate with. However, they believe his weakness to be his hands, which are, in the words of one bystander, “freakishly small.” Police warn that if you do see the beast roaming about, you should not attempt to disarm him yourself, as he is often seen wielding a golf club. One bystander who saw the beast in person noted that “it seems impossible for something with such small hands to grip anything, even a golf club, but he seems to have spent literally all his energy learning how.”

Officials stress that people should stay indoors with their curtains drawn, particularly if they are a minority, female, or disabled as these appear to be particular targets for the creature.

All of my friends were turned into crackers. #GoldfishProblems